The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.