*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
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Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.