[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
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Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.