do horses think humans are hats
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My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
this will hang in the louvre one day
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok