“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
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If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.