cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.