thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
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Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
#NoRestForTheWicked
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?