Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
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imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
The asteroid..
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.