Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
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If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Very good! 👍😂
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.