“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
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Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy