BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
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Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.