Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
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I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Bike is short for Bichael.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.