My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
You Might Also Like
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
A Short Story.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: