yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
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*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?