Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
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Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!