Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
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My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?