My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
You Might Also Like
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.