“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
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Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Can. I. Help. You.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”