Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after