jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…