[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.