ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Jail
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note