Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
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“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I have so many questions.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible