Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
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*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.