serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods