doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
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I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.