My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
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I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
PARKOUR
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
i prefer mine room temperature.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt