Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
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Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
*exercises sarcastically*
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.