Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
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My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley