I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
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me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?