I unironically love this joke.
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My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
This could be us, but you weedin’.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.