If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Bread puns are on the rise!
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious