35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
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[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Birds & Planes.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.