It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
eating my hot dog hamburger style
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases