my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
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There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I need a headline like this
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday