people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
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This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”