“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
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Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Merica.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.