didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
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It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Mistakes were made
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.