Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
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Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.