Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
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My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.