THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
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Twitter is an abusement park.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
🍛
new shirt idea
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”