if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
me working on my assignments ^-^
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
But I really needed water water water
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.