My time has come.
You Might Also Like
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him