*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
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Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I’m not lazy
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.