*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
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Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.