So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
True freaking story!
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
thinking about a very short hotdog
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road