good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
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Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️