Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
You Might Also Like
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Very problematic
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”