teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
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I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin