If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
You Might Also Like
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.